To those of you that have read this on MSN I am sorry but I wanted to put this on here...Since I feel in that kind of mood tonight...

Angry...
I am realizing that I am pretty much "shunned" from my father's side of the family. Ok a little more info on that... My dad passed away 17 1/2 years ago, in July 1988, when I had just turned 13. Then I really had contact with some of the aunts and uncles for a long time, and then one day it seemed as if they had disappeared. I sent them all announcements when I graduated and I received a card from 1 cousin. I mean that was so cool to hear from her, but you know where were all the others at? Then in 1994 (Feburary) I find out that my Grandpa passed away 19 months earlier and no one felt the need to tell me! I mean come on he was my grandfather after all, don't I deserve the right to know? The only reason that I actually found out is through my lawyer that dealt with all the estate stuff since I was a minor at the time of my father's death.
Ok now fast forward to the fall of 2004. My aunt (mom's sis) moves to Devils Lake area, and I know for a fact that one uncle is out there, so I thought "hey what the heck...I will call and see how he is doing." BIG MISTAKE!!! I talked to him for about 20 minutes and then hung up the phone in tears because of the fact that he is not even saying anything to me, and then tells me that he has to get ready for work. Yeah right, since this was on a Saturday afternoon, and he works overnights, Sunday-Thursday. Then I decide to send out Christmas cards and the only addresses that I have are his and the one sister in the family. I think that it was another BIG MISTAKE on my behalf. But you know that I am all grown up now, and I am leading a good life, and I am one of those people that others kind of call a "goodie goodie" I think sometimes. I mean that because I am the type of person that I know a lot of people around here, I work at a job where everyone comes in and they know what you did last night, and many people around here are connected to my family in some sense, either through grandmother, step-dad or an aunt/uncle. I have a bachelors degree in Business Management with minors in Accounting/Marketing/Spanish. (Yeah I was the real brainiac in college) But yet I want to go back to school to get a degree in Communications because then I feel that I can make more of a career move if that is what I want to do. I work a lot but yet still have the time to hang out with friends, work out in the gym, spend time with the family, or just go outside and have some fun playing. But, sometimes though I do wonder what life would be like if I were still connected to my dad's family. I am not too sure actually because I know that somewhere I will meet up with them again and I really don't know what I would ever do or say to them since I feel so alienated right now. It is kind of sad to think that they will never be there to see me get married, have kids, or grow old, and major life changes that occur. My mom and I are real close as are my sister and I, but you know it is not the same as having your father there to experience the firsts that occur. (And you all know what I mean by that one!) But I know one thing for sure is that this coming summer I plan to drive out to my father's hometown and go to the cemetary and to where the farm used to be at. I am thinking that it will be a pretty emotional day for me, but I also believe that it may bring some closure that I have kept bottled up this long and I need to get out of me. I would like to only ask one question though first: "Why did you forget about his only child?" Maybe someday I will get the answer to that question but I am not going to expect it anytime soon, so I guess that maybe writing on here about it is making me feel a lot better about the situation that I am with my family. That is why I am so grateful that my mom and I are close and all the family is close also, even though we may have a lot of distances between us, we still talk all the time and emails are great! So, with that I am going to leave now! I hope that I didn't bore you all too much, but sorry I needed to get that off my chest now. Any ideas or suggestions I am listening, but I think that I have shed enough tears over the whole situation now. I know one thing that is certain and that is: I love my dad with all my heart and I miss him ever waking moment of my life and I think about all the good times that I have had, and all the losses that I have dealt with since he died.