To start with...Old stuff that is!! Prom is right around my corner (or should I say Rae's) and she *FINALLY* got a dress yesterday! We went to Grand Forks and found one! It is georgous! IT was she and I with a few other girls that all went and we had a great time! One and I are already planning the next time that we are going! HAHA

Now here comes the part where I spill my guts on here...For me college was a bad place...I was shy and not very outgoing and that is a bad combination to be in when you are 18 and a freshman in college...So, needless to say I decided to do somethings to myself that are harmful...First time I was into cutting and then one day I got caught by a guy that lived on the floor with me...He then told our RA and me being me did not want to get caught so I *LIED* to her and told her that I would never do that. O-Wait it does get better yet! I got caught 1 more time...But this time by another RA...And this time there was *NO* way of talking my way out of it! So, I was off to talk to the campus psychologist to see if we can come to a root of my problem. Well, after that the psychologist thought that she had somehow "cured" me then she sent me on the way! Yeah right I can act so well...and fake my way through some things! So, then just when you think that life is going good something else happens that sent me into a tailspin and I resorted back to myself...In terms of eating disorder this time. I was bulimic...Well, there were days that I would not eat and then the days that I would and then purge it. Once again I was caught...By the same RA! So, what happens? I am sure that you can figure out the scenario! :( He marches my little a** back to the psychologist and I have to see her 3 times a week this time (instead of 1 the last time). He even felt the need to go with me. I, at the time, hated him for it, but now I see that what he was making me do was for my own good only. This all occurred about 13-14 years ago and I have since been clean...Until recently...

I am not going into details but I have, in the last few weeks, been dealing with an employee that I have that has been going through a rough period in his life and feels the need to take control of his life by doing all the things that I did when I was about his age. At first when I was told that he was doing these things and I confronted him about it...He tried to deny it...And that was a sure sign that he was doing it. Because remember that I denied it at first. So, he denies it and I tell him that I know that for sure he is doing both things! He asks me how I know for sure...And I tell him that because he denied it so fast and that is a sure sign...*SIGHS and Takes a breath*...So, I wanted him to talk to me about why and all that good stuff. I mean I am not a psychologist but I have been there and know where he is coming from. At first he tells me that I have no idea what he is going through...But then I tell him my complete story. I was crying and almost made him also. (He said that if he looked at me he would have cried) I mean part of my problem was the death of my dad and that made me seem that I had lost a part of my life.

So, then a few weeks ago I *almost* went back to my old ways and one night I was so stressed out that I *DID* make myself do the one thing that I had swore off...I binged and purged...While I was at work of course...And the supervisor on duty was ready to kill me when she found out...Because I was playing employee and I was ticked off about something so I decided that I can do it 1 more time...and then the next time I swore that it was the last...A whole week of doing that and then I kind of came to my senses and decided that I could not do that anymore. So, I have since not done it again...But there are *always* the lasting effects of it. Well, when I visited the doctor 2 weeks ago I made a mention of it to him and he wasn't exactly happy...But off I go to him tomorrow! Wish me luck!!!

So, for now I am going to leave you with this thought...Never take advantage of your friends or your life! Because you never know when your friends will leave you...And because Life is precious! I now know how precious it is...And I will not take advantage of it!