I need to think...

In the past I have had some issues when it came right down to it...In Relationships that is! Now I find myself questioning the motives behind what people want from me now. To backtrack a little...when I was in High School I was always the one that people stayed away from. I admit that I was shy. As a sophomore I had to change schools (to a new state and all) and could not play sports because of the eligibility rules (you had to be there 1 semester at least). So, I became the "shy" one and really could not make many friends that first year so I was also labeled as a "snob" by the girls. Then by senior year I had made a name for myself and it was time to go away to college.

College became good in some ways...bad in others...I loved to play volleyball...But I was not fond of my roommate and her friends...or the people that lived with me. I fought a lot with them and we had more than one huge outburst. Many of the times I would leave my floor crying and end up talking with one of the RA's from upstairs. He was like my savior at the time. Without Dave I would have probably been a lunatic. Then all of the sudden one day everyone was all "nicey nice" to me...and at the time it should have been a sign...But I see it now...They were just doing that because of our RA...she had threatened to write them up. So, they were being nice to avoid getting into trouble. Most of the time I was thinking that they wanted a change...Yeah right! So, back into the background I disappear again.

After college I came back here. I still had a job here and decided that it was for the best for now kind of thing. I am glad that I came back here. I have learned a lot about myself over the last 10 years since college. I have learned that I am NOT the same person that I was then. Most people that knew me then...and still know me can tell you that. Especially when I first found out that I have Meniere's. I became a new person then. I was going to no longer take advantage of life...I was going to live life to the fullest and become the person that I was when I was living in Grand Forks. I started to play volleyball again...Meet some new people. (Over the course of years it seemed that most of my friends have left here for other adventures.) I was living the all-american dream (if there is such a one that is).

So, I started to meet many new people...reconnect with some others...That is where my Ex-Boyfriend falls into. We re-met the summer of '99. I had known him also the summers of '90 and '93 but we were always just friends. I didn't really fall for him at first...but then I got to know him again and remembered what I liked about him and the rest is history...Until April 22, 2004. That would be the day that I found him with another girl. That was it! I was so over him that night.

Then I started to think about what I was going to do next. I work a lot and I play volleyball, go to the gym, have my friends to be with in the other time, go to my sisters' sporting events, plays, concerts...well I am sure that you get the point.

But last year my life took a weird and unpredictable turn...I met someone. Until him I was having a really hard time looking at guys again...all thanks to my ex. When I first met John I was not looking for a relationship of any sorts. I was (and still am) scared of relationships and what can happen in them. I know that I need to get over this issue that I am having. It is just that right now my heart is telling me that he is waiting for me to call him. BUT my brain is telling me that he wants nothing to do with me and I should just give it up and move on with my life. So, now my question is what to do next???? I know one thing for sure...I like him! I am ready to admit it...But since my head is playing tricks on me I am going to go and figure out what my next move is...and it is not to disappear without knowing...Something the "old" me would have done.

Until later...

Love,

~A Girl in North Dakota~