Joy List and other ramblings...

Hi there again~
But it sure has been a long time since I posted anything...Yes, my name is Joy, and I have been a slacker! No, seriously, isn't life crazy at times? No exceptions here! It is 1:30 A.M. and here I sit...I should be in bed...but I think that I messed up a sleep pattern (seriously) this last weekend by *actually* sleeping in on Saturday, so, now *sigh* I am not tired...O-well...Makes it more fun! :)
The real reason of this post: My Joy List: (I am PRETTY sure that most of you know what that is~)

1. To all of those that I have met through blogging...and all the support that I have found...When I first started blogging I was just doing it because it was something that new to me and then I found out that you can find some really nice people on the internet and I am thankful for them!

2. To my Meniere's...If I had never developed it I would still be taking advantage of life and not enjoying it as much as I have been over the last (almost) 5 years! I am also thankful that I have had (almost) 5 years of being asymptomatic now! Here's to another 20 (or more that is!)

3. My sister- for keeping me young...I was 16 when she was born so when she was younger I was away at college and then when I came back here she was in Kindergarten and since then she has kept me young and full of energy! Some days when I see her with her friends I know that when I was that age I was doing the same stuff...and let's just say that I taught our mother well and she asks a lot of questions of my sister now (not a cool thing for her though!)

4. Grandparents: I say this one because I love my grandmother to death...And I miss my grandpa so VERY much! I want one last hug from him now...Of course I was a Grandpa's girl

5. TO the 13 years that I got to spend with my dad...I miss and love ya!

6. To the 5 years that I got to spend with Chris...I wish that I wasn't such a brat when you came over that first day...Sometimes I think that is why you died...But I am thankful to you...because you showed me that all boys are not evil :)

7. To those of you that have ever helped me with my links or offered! (You know who you are!) I miss ya, Marc!

8. To my friends (Online and offline): Without you I would be no where right now...And especially after the last month...

9. Vacations! I need one soon...and off to visit my cousin...Of course she doesn't know that yet! But she will soon! And then I get to shop, relax, and whatever else I can find to not do! Then it is back to real world again!

10. (This one is going to be a bit odd...but PLEASE bear with me!) To you, Jake...If you would have never cheated on me and gotten caught that is...I would not be having as much fun as I am right now! Thanks to you I have made some really cool friends...Started Volleyball again...Met Brandon...Reconnected with Chad again...So, through all that...I have maintained a relationship with your family that I am forever thankful for...Remember: What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine...Some day you may figure that out...

Oh yeah can I throw in one extra for fun???? To all those that I work with...I love you guys...and I am going to look for that bunny costume now just for you girl! And to John...and all awesome Sunday night conversations! They have made my week so far! I am looking forward to the next...And I will be at that game on Saturday...so, keep your eyes open this time PLEASE! :) Love ya~

Well...that has to be the longest post from me in...what...Forever????? LOL

I hope that you all have a great week...Talk to you soon...

Oh yeah...It's the Concert this Friday! *Happy Dance*

Love,

~A girl in North Dakota~

More pics...

The subject of this post is Regret...Recently I have run across a post from someone that says that they are experiencing emotions from losing someone close to them...And you know what? I know how you are feeling because when my father passed away (in '88) I went through every stage of grief that a person can think of...including depression, guilt, regret because I was on vacation instead of being close to him, some major remorse because I knew that I would never see him again...and that he would not be there to watch me get married, see or hold his grandchildren...all that stuff that people think about when they lose someone close to them. When my father passed away I was 13 and that was the third person that was close to me that had passed away already...The first was Christoper...We met when we were about 4 and remained friends until the day he dies...From Leukemia...at the age of 9...He was older than I was (by 20 days!) and so we were pretty much "twins" while growing up...The only times that we would stand be separated was when we were in school (attended different schools). That meant that every weekend was like a mini-party for us because we would be together and having fun...Some people compared us to being brother and sister. Today Chris would be 31 and I am sure that we would still be the best of friends just because we were so close growing up...I am still reminded of him every time I go to Grand Forks (where I grew up) because his aunt and my mom are still really good friends and she has pictures of the two of us. I regret that he could not live longer and when I think of him I remember all the good times that we had. Celebrating our birthdays together and Halloween right before he died will live long in my memory. I will always remember him no matter what I do and where I go in life...
The key to losing someone (in my mind that is) is to remember them with open arms and no matter what you remember just thinking about them will make you think that they are still there because they are always with you...IN YOUR HEART...that is...
So, to you, I am telling you this because of that fact that I know that you are hurting and in pain right now...You need to remember that there are others out there that you can talk to and that will help you with whatever feelings you are experiencing at that particular moment...And I for one am always willing to listen...I know where you have been through is incredibly hard to get through and there will never be a day that you won't think of that person...You never really get over a huge loss like that...Holidays are the hardest...I remember the first Christmas without my dad...like it was yesterday...So, I am going to leave on that note right now...Anyone please feel free to let me know what you think...I know that this is a downer post but I am going to expose it for now that is... Until next time!

Love,

~Joy~

Here is what I wrote about Chris on my MSN blog...One of the first posts that I ever did! *Says that I am really done now for sure!

I still remember that day that we met...like it was yesterday...there you were...sitting on her lap...in my spot...I know now...that she is your aunt...but all that I could think about was "He is in my spot"...and I wanted you to get off...Yes, I know, I was spoiled...but those were the days...and these are the days...

Then I find out that your name is Christopher...and you are her nephew...and she wants us to play together nicely...you are only over visiting for the day...good thing also, since, you know, boys are icky! That was what I thought at the time...Hey I was only 4...now I know differently..
I then find out that you are very kewl...and that you are one of the best friends' that I will ever have...if only for a short period of time...when we weren't together it was like we were lost without each other...so our parents' told us...and since you left me it has felt that way sometimes also...

The day that we celebrated our 5th birthdays together was a like a bright light in my life then...after all by then we were like twins...if anyone saw one of us...they knew that the other one was close behind...that is what we did...we used to play with each other all the time...sometimes we would include other kids also...and that was the best...

The last normal day that we had was the 5th birthday...right after that...you got sick...and to think that it would change our lives forever...I still remember the day that our parents' were told what you were sick with...all the hush hush and whispering that was going on...how are we going to tell them...that was the topic of the day...remember like it was yesterday...
That summer was difficult for you...going through the chemo and radiation treatments...no going to the pool...swimming...lakes...that was the year about hospitals...but finally you were in remission...and we thought that life was looking good again...

School starts...and we are in separate schools...oh oh...that means that we are separated...but it is only for 5 days a week...weekends are the best...it is all about us again!...Here it is our birthdays again...yeah we are 6 now! The best times are yet to come right? So we thought...but like the last year...you get sick again...
This time it wasn't as easy...more treatments and this time they are ongoing...Why can't you beat this thing? I thought that maybe it was something that I had done wrong and that God was punishing you...
That last Halloween will remain in my memory...I remember that you couldn't go trick-or-treating...but I wanted to go...so, you tell me to go with my friends...and then afterwards we will meet at "Aunt Kristy's" house...but you never once complained over the fact that you couldn't get out...maybe it was because of the fact that we split up the candy...and then never even ate it...

Three years of on...off...on...off...on...off...where does it ever stop at? Finally we are a very "mature" 9 and think that the world is the best! We are told that everyone thinks that you have finally beat it again...well, that is what they told us...then the "Make-A-Wish Foundation" comes to town...and you choose a hot air balloon ride...Yes, I remember that...I still have the pictures packed away...I will take them out when I feel it is necessary...to remind my children of one of the best friends that I ever had...and I will tell them his story...of how we met...and how at first I was scared of you...but you turned out to be one of the coolest people that I ever knew...and someday I will meet you again...in Heaven...

My final question for the night...what did I do? I lost all the links! So, with that I am back to figuring it all out again! O-Well I will get it eventually...Until next time...Enjoy life to the fullest!! I will be!!!

My Story...

Now I lay me down to sleep
Pray the spinning slows down to a creep.
May I find a way to ignore the noise
That rings in my ears and drowns out the joys.
Of a long ago and peaceful night of dreams
Too much to ask for, sometimes it seems.
Daylight has come, I've barely slept
I laid in bed most of the night and wept.
The spinning and ringing and feeling bad
I prayed for the days when MM I'd not had.
I wake only to find it's with me still.
And reach for yet another pill.
I pray to be free of this MM of mine
So someday I could walk in one straight line.
Not to run into a wall or a door
And pray that I won't hit the floor
Be able to ride in anything on wheels
Without the ills of tossing my meals.
I pray to someday lead a normal life
Free from MM's constant strife.
For now Lord, all I can do is pray
That you help me through another day.
Help me to get out of my bed
And clear this fog from my head.
Help me to get just one small thing done
Without needing help from anyone.
The dishes or laundry or driving my car
Just to the store, that's not very far.
To do just one simple thing's all I ask
Without it being such a major task.
Another day has come to an end
What's there to show for the efforts I spend.
My head spins in circles, I ran into walls
Took dozens of pills and made more phone calls.
For doctor to help, what good does it do
I tossed every meal, yet kept praying to you.
I know that someday you will hear my plea
And take this disease away from me.

_________________________________________________________________

Some of you may remember that I once posted this poem before...but tonight's subject is about Meniere's...I admit that I have it, openly. I do not expect any special treatment from others...In the past I have experienced many symptoms...including the dizziness, depression, vertigo, nasea and I will be the first to admit that it was not the best experience of my life...Currently I have NONE of those symptoms (knock on wood!)...but another symptom of Meniere's is that you experience hearing loss...and guess what???? I do and forever will...I am writing this today because I just got the latest results of my last hearing test (I visit an audiologist every year plus an ENT every 6-9 months) and the hearing has decreased in my affected ear (left). I have never thought about the possibility that some day I will not be able to hear in that ear...but now it has become a reality...I am thankful that my other ear though has stayed the same and they said that it should stay the same or (maybe) even pick up some slack from my left ear (hoping!)

I remember that when I was first diagnosed I was scared (to say the least) and I was thinking that I would not have much of a life anymore...Then the doctor (my family physician at the time) told me that in 2 years I would no longer be working...So, I felt that I needed a second opinion and guess what...he (my now family physician) told me that you can suffer a lot in the beginning and then not have any "episodes" for years...That so describes me!!! It will be 5 years, in January, since my first initial diagnosis and in May it will be 5 years since I have had any "episodes". (I have to add it was a wild ride in the beginning)

I am hoping that by telling my story maybe people will become aware of this...I have faced up to the fact that some day I will lose all of my hearing in the left ear (currently 69.7% loss) and when that day comes I will be prepared because of my ENT/Audiologist/Family Physician that have helped to prepare me for the worst...but keep hoping for the best! To this day I do live life to the extreme extent that I can...And I do it for a purpose...to overcome all the fears that I had in me almost 5 years ago...and to live life to the fullest...and with that I am planning my next vacation yet!!! *excited* Because I know that when I do go there I will be doing it as a celebration to almost 5 years of being symptom free...

Thanks for listening to my story!

Love,

~Joy~

And the pic is from my mom's 50th Birthday...Also, my 30th Birthday...Yeah we share a birthday! Was a good day! (2005)

Remember when...

Do you remember what you were doing on the morning of September 11, 2001?
I remember that I was asleep when my mother came to me and told me to turn on the television because a plane had just crashed into the World Trade Center. I thought to myself "Yeah whatever, it has to be a story that someone has made up."
But she was telling me that it was serious and that I needed to turn it on...so, she turned it on for me and I remember that I was in awe at the site of the buildings that I had loved burning to the ground. (I was there in '93 (right after the first bombings that is) and fell in love with NYC overall but really enjoyed the Trade Centers) Then a few minutes later I watched in horror as I saw the 2nd plane crash! Then I hear about the Pentagon crash and that it was all an act of terroism. I could have killed someone with my bare hands by that time. To think that someone would plan all of this...and their plan did work...
So, please stop for a moment in your busy lives to remember all that perished that day. They were humans and had families just like you and I.
Enough for now...See ya soon!
Love,

~Joy~